About five years ago, I was going through a very bad patch.  Certain things happened, and I did a very stupid thing.  Luckily I survived.  It was my darkest hour.

Today I reached that point again.  It was helped along a bit by someone who disrespected me enormously.  Luckily for them I didn’t release the tension – I just turned the rage inward instead.  I didn’t attempt the stupid thing today.  I’m having a lot of very dark moments, and I can’t seem to find a way out of them.

My emotions are so totally messed up now, I’ve come to realise they will never get better.  I have emotional issues with people from my past that I’ve never had the chance to resolve – and before anyone reading this assumes, it is not to do with anything in Wisconsin.

The issues torment me every waking moment of every day.  When I’m building a website, I’m thinking about the issues when they happened, the people they involved, and the fact I never got to confront in one way or another the people involved.   When I’m talking to a client on the phone, I’m thinking about how I wish I could resolve a few of these issues.  When I’m playing around on the floor with my son, I’m thinking about what would have happened had these people not performed the actions they did.

You’d think that because I have another child on the way, I’d have cause to be happy.  It does make me happy.  But there is an equal amount of unhappiness in my life.  Some of it is to do with the status of affairs with her.  It will never get better either.

The most fucked up thing is that the only people I feel comfortable talking to either have their own problems or live too far away to call whenever I need someone to talk to.

I hate all this emotional bullshit.  To give you a smidgeon of how I’m feeling, download the following songs, and listen to them in the order I put them.  You might have heard them before, but they DO have a different sentiment when listened to in this playlist (at least to me).

• Claude Mckenzie – Taste of Tears
• Claude Mckenzie – Nemenuentenan
• Tim McGraw – Just To See You Smile
• Vince Gill – Don’t Let Our Love Start Slipping Away
• Earth, Wind & Fire – Let’s Groove Tonight
• Indigenous – Blues This Morning
• Lionel Richie – Penny Lover
• Joanie Madden – Women of Ireland
• Keith Secola – Indian Car
• BB King – Stand By Me
• Sam Cooke – Twistin’ The Night Away
• Crowded House – Hey Now, Hey Now
• N’Sync – Gone
• Shakira – Hips Don’t Lie
• Theme to Braveheart
• The Corrs – Runaway
• 3 Doors Down – If I Could Be Like That
• Janet Jackson – Together Again
• Marc Anthony & Jennifer Lopez – No Me Ames