Awesome FML Quotes


Feeling a bit down, a bit stressed, n all that shyt… I resolved to bring on a touch of cheer by reading some quotes on the FML App for iPhone.   For those who don’t know – FML is an acronym for ‘F*ck my life’, and is usually used when something crappy happens. Anyway… my mood was lifted and ribs were hurting from laughter after above five minutes.

Today, I had surgery on my “girl parts” and can’t have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

Today, I got demoted from my manager’s position, only to be replaced by a 21 year old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on msn when her roommate answered «Sorry, this is not Marie, she is at her boyfriend’s ». Really? I’ve looked everywhere in my flat, I can’t find her. FML

Today, I heard my sister having a fuck. FML

Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called “How to confess to having an affair.” FML

Today, as I was talking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, “No, not you! My other daddy!” I’ve got some talking to do tonight. FML

Today I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum I heard my mum’s voice on my voicemail: “Hi sweetheart”. FML

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn’t able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

Probably the funniest (and grossest) quote so far…

Today I was looking for a magazine in my mother’s bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. So: my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad’s cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

About Ryan Paul

I'm a twenty-eight year old half black, and half white British guy living in Kenora, Ontario in Canada. For the first six years in Canada I was living with my children and their mother on a First Nation reserve just outside of Kenora. I now live in town, two blocks away from my office. I work at a local design firm and I love my job. I have the most beautiful son I could ever have hoped for and my dream for him when he grows up is to become a police officer for Treaty Three and eventually join the military. More recently I’ve been blessed with a daughter "Alex". Yes that is her full first name. She's one year old and is walking. Can't talk yet, but quite capable of letting you know what she wants. My dream for her is exactly the same as Nicolas. Become a Treaty Three cop, and then join the military. My political views are generally based around racial issues. People who discriminate based upon race should all be gassed. The world is like a playing field - in order for the game to be equal - the field must be level. I have in general a great respect for law and order (WHEN IT ISN’T DISCRIMINATORY OR UPHOLDS RIGHTEOUSNESS). Someone recently said that it seems the driving force in my life is racial equality. I don't think anyone ever spoke a truer word. I've become increasingly disillusioned with Canada because of race relations and how the Federal Government keeps First Nation people on a permanent lower economic and social level. When it comes to Native rights, my view is that colonisation was always going to happen - it's part of life - conquer or be conquered. My issue is with the way it was done, and the failure of Canada to live up to its reputation as a decent, and civilised society. The failure to honour the treaties and fairly compensate natives in Canada will always be a dark stain on Canada's reputation. Drunk drivers and paedophiles should be tied against a post, blindfolded and shot dead. Obviously, I have conviction in my beliefs and am not often swayed from them, although I am always open to the possibility that I'm wrong. I believe in freedom of speech, thought, and religion - so long as they do not promote hatred, bigotry, racism or unjust violence.

  • Anime quotes

    … lol

  • cmclark0516

     My friend crashed my car into a parked car and I got a DUI cause it was my car and 6 other charges! FML

  • MAB

    today i became illuminati ,, FML .. uh not rlly

  • Lostu2010

    woke up and found my car gone…go to my phone to make some calls and see the police called so i listen to voice mess … and it says my car had been towed… it cost me $350.00 for parking at a friends house …wow fml

  • Wiesetiffiny

    toay i was sittin down my pants were way  to small then when i sat down they ripped and i forgot to put underwear on and it ripped in the front and back FML.

  • Not even

    Today I posted this saying FML